The Impossible Job, food safety, celery and celebrity mouse deaths.

I know, I know, I haven't done a blog for a few days. It's all very 'hush, hush' but I've been going through a gruelling selection process. Firstly, I had to prove that I knew at least 100 words in English and I was then required to demonstrate an understanding of the phrases ' keep it tight', 'give it the Big Fella', 'knock it long' and 'post match roasting'.
After that I had to showcase my miming prowess by spending a strenuous hour doing speed 'Give Us a Clue'.

Finally, I had to write and deliver a two part PowerPoint presentation on:

'Spitting. A necessary evil?'

Followed up by:

'So much phlegm...too much dairy?'

Not a nice way to spend 2 hours. And no one touched the buffet.
I've even been measured for the puffer jacket so it's looking good....The only thing not in my favour is my inability to bellow myself beetroot without doing a sick. Watch this space.

I was glad to hear that Sainsbury's have made a step in the right direction towards reducing the amount of glaringly stupid food advice currently swelling landfills.
Previously, their 'guidance' was that fresh food intended for the freezer must be frozen on the day of purchase. Now, they have thrown caution to the wind and are telling us that we can freeze food any time up to, and including, the 'use by' date.
I can't wait for their next bulletin in their 'Stating the Bleeding Obvious range'. May I suggest, 'if it's green, slimy and stinky, and it's not a gherkin, don't eat it'.

I've had another win. It's a guide book on London. I like visiting London, but haven't been for years. I think it's an omen.

My feet are still firmly on the ground though. On finding a sprouty celery bottom in the bowels of the fridge on Tuesday, I decided to nurture it and it's coming on quite well. I'm quite fond of celery leaves in salads and stews and am surprised that supermarkets haven't latched onto it already. They could package it, call it 'Celery Herb' and flog it to unsuspecting shoppers for about a quid. I bet someone would buy it. Are you listening Bannatyne?

Dave is convinced that there is a link between finding another dead mouse in the attic today, and the sad death of Whitney Houston. We haven't trapped a mouse in ages, so I have to admit, it's one hell of a coincidence.

He now believes that whenever a mouse succumbs to the trap in our attic it foretells, or even possibly triggers, the death of a famous figure.
As a result of this tenuous and frankly, deranged train of thought, he now feels responsible for the deaths of Etta James, Angelo Dundee and Don Cornelius, all having been lured to the grave by Tesco Value peanut butter.
Conspiracy theorists around the world are already saying, 'Shut up, you Twonk'.
'Whitney' was solemnly buried with full Soul Train honours, near the compost heap earlier today. It was a small private ceremony, attended by Dave and his shovel.